No Santa Claus This Year Because of American Wiretaps
Washington , D.C. , Dec. 21 - The Bush administration announced today that the No. 2 ranked world wide suspected terrorist, Santa Claus, has been apprehended because of an NSA illegal wiretap that revealed possible terrorist connections with foreign countries. A senior White House official stated that the NSA had been monitoring Mr. Claus' communications for a number of years because of the numerous letters, emails, and phone calls that were received from foreign countries around the world. As one official put it, "We always believed after 9/11, that the phony red Christmas outfit and long white beard were being used as a cover-up for a terrorist plot against American interests and freedoms." A statement from V.P. Cheney's office stated that one of the additional reasons for illegally wire tapping Santa's North Pole residence was that Santa is codeword for Satan, which is formulated by switching the last three letters of Santa!
A knowledgeable CIA official close to the investigation has hinted that Mr. Claus was forcibly taken under U.S. rendition policy, blindfolded and drugged, put in a Depends diaper and flown to the former Communist country of Uzbekistan . President Bush, when asked about this recent development commented, "The U.S. Government and its monarchy do not operate secret prisons in Uzbekistan (heh, heh, heh) and if they did, we have been assured that they would "never ever" condone the use of torture, as defined by the amended U.S. Army Service Manual (heh, heh, heh)." Later in the day, White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, clarified Mr. Bush's comments, "In order to be completely truthful with the American people, what President Bush meant to say, is that we have secret torture prisons in Romania and Poland , but not in Uzbekistan ."
One young seven-year-old veteran covert CIA agent was traumatized and in tears with the latest revelation that the Bush administration spied on and rendered Santa Claus so close to Christmas. The child agent cried, "There is just no way that Santa Claus will be able to visit boys and girls across the world on Christmas Eve. Why, they even confiscated his passport! I am not going to get any toys!"
Knowledgeable sources have said that on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus will most likely be water-boarded the entire night and then left naked in a cold dark cell on Christmas day where he may die due to hypothermia. Officials say that they will do whatever it takes to "protect" the American people, even if it means taking away all of their civil rights, since war is peace, slavery is freedom, and ignorance is strength. As another official put it, "This will not be a pretty sight, not because of Mr. Claus' physical condition, but because of what it says about the kind of people we have become; the kind who would allow this to go on during their watch."
Rise and shine boys and girls, it is time to wake up from your extended constitutional slumber. Boys and girls, we need to put away our toys and get back to the business of saving our country from the current president; now let's make Skippy time! Can you say impeachment boys and girls?
Wake up America , your Democracy is slipping away at an accelerating rate! As someone once said, "When people are afraid of their government it is called tyranny, and when the government is afraid of the people, it is called democracy."